The Fear

Have you ever thought about what fear really is? I do. Many times. There are as many ways to fear as there are to love. Close your eyes...breathe...deep...again... What are you afraid of? Look inside, deeper. Keep searching. Immersed in your memories, go further back. Sometimes it is very useful to look at the past to understand the present and be able to decide how to build the future. Look at it carefully. Since I have been a Buddhist I have been very interested in the mind, my mind, the minds of others. How I process information, how it affects me, how I feel it and how I react. It is truly fascinating. Everything that happens (or doesn't) around me constantly passes through the lens of my mind and it is the one that decides whether I like it or not (I apply judgments) and the one that decides how to react. Have you thought that the same situation, seen exactly the same by two people, can create different judgments and trigger opposite reactions? Because ? Because I am not able to DECIDE not to judge and have enough control not to react (without control) and instead, to act (with control).

I think we don't have the slightest control over fear, it just arrives like a tsunami and leaves us flooded without being able to act. What would happen if we could decide to dilute that fear with full confidence that whatever happens, we will always end up well. Wouldn't we be better? Wouldn't we live better? Well, let's talk about me, it's my blog, right? What are my fears? I think that answer depends on the moment in my life I'm going through. A big fear is giving priority to people for whom I am not a priority. But when do I decide that I'm not a priority in someone's life?? This is where I have always made a mistake... sometimes I take a position too quickly, other times it takes me years and in both cases the inevitable pain comes. On other occasions I simply take things lightly and I am the one who ends up causing pain to someone. I don't want that either. What is the middle point??? I don't know. I can't have someone in my life who is half a priority. Furthermore, what is a priority being in my life for me? Will it be the same definition for the others? Probably not. Many people have their children as a priority in their lives, EVERYTHING for and for them. Should it always be like this? I understand that when they are very young children it must be like this because their lives depend on us, but as they grow... I think... teaching them to live independently is vital.

I think we don't have the slightest control over fear, it just arrives like a tsunami and leaves us flooded without being able to act. What would happen if we could decide to dilute that fear with full confidence that whatever happens, we will always end up well. Wouldn't we be better? Wouldn't we live better? Well, let's talk about me, it's my blog, right? What are my fears? I think that answer depends on the moment in my life I'm going through. A big fear is giving priority to people for whom I am not a priority. But when do I decide that I'm not a priority in someone's life?? This is where I have always made a mistake... sometimes I take a position too quickly, other times it takes me years and in both cases the inevitable pain comes. On other occasions I simply take things lightly and I am the one who ends up causing pain to someone. I don't want that either. What is the middle point??? I don't know. I can't have someone in my life who is half a priority. Furthermore, what is a priority being in my life for me? Will it be the same definition for the others? Probably not. Many people have their children as a priority in their lives, EVERYTHING for and for them. Should it always be like this? I understand that when they are very young children it must be like this because their lives depend on us, but as they grow... I think... teaching them to live independently is vital.

I think we don't have the slightest control over fear, it just arrives like a tsunami and leaves us flooded without being able to act. What would happen if we could decide to dilute that fear with full confidence that whatever happens, we will always end up well. Wouldn't we be better? Wouldn't we live better? Well, let's talk about me, it's my blog, right? What are my fears? I think that answer depends on the moment in my life I'm going through. A big fear is giving priority to people for whom I am not a priority. But when do I decide that I'm not a priority in someone's life?? This is where I have always made a mistake... sometimes I take a position too quickly, other times it takes me years and in both cases the inevitable pain comes. On other occasions I simply take things lightly and I am the one who ends up causing pain to someone. I don't want that either. What is the middle point??? I don't know. I can't have someone in my life who is half a priority. Furthermore, what is a priority being in my life for me? Will it be the same definition for the others? Probably not. Many people have their children as a priority in their lives, EVERYTHING for and for them. Should it always be like this? I understand that when they are very young children it must be like this because their lives depend on us, but as they grow... I think... teaching them to live independently is vital.

I have always told my two children that one of the lessons I want to leave them is to learn to live without me. May they be upright, responsible and happy men without me. That's why I made one of the most difficult decisions, when my love for his father ended, I decided to separate. Maybe they saw their mother being strong and responsible for herself to find her happiness. At any cost. I want them when they face difficult decisions to always ask themselves which alternative will lead them to be happy in the end and with love and compassion take firm stances. My life is not the life of my children. My life is mine and only I will be responsible for my happiness or my tears.

I am the one who decides with whom I share my bed and who does not go beyond the sofa in my living room. But finding someone with the same certainty in their mind, without fear of going out and finding what makes them happy has not been easy. I have met wonderful men, but with selective selfishness. I wasn't his priority. Their priorities were just themselves and their lives. I no longer want to just “enjoy a while” with someone, that has never left anything in my soul. I know myself and quite well, when I love, I do it completely. Friends, family, partner, children, projects. Never half measures, so I will not continue to settle for pieces, I will not continue accepting the time that is left over to be by my side. When that happened, I began to get cold and as the months passed, what once united me disappeared. I don't want to take so long to disappear anymore. I love my company. A lot. I love my solitude, I have so much to learn, so many friends to have coffee with and so many places I want to see. I am not afraid of loneliness because it will never find me, I am always with myself. Maybe that's one of my fears... not knowing when it's time to understand that I will never be a priority, and taking too long to leave again. I hope that the wisdom and compassion of the Buddhas will help me see that at the right time. Neither before nor after.